


Enough

by Abi_snail



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Sexual Age Play, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sibling Incest, War wounds, thorin is an asshole but whats new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 22:06:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16104779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abi_snail/pseuds/Abi_snail
Summary: Kili has trouble coping after coming home from war.





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> An older work, just moving it over here! 
> 
> As always I own nothing!

Fili stood on his porch, the soft breeze making the white porch swing sway slightly while he waited for his brother to show up.

They had been deployed together but Fili had been sent home two months prior because of an injury to his leg, he'd taken a bullet to his thigh, leaving him with a limp. Now Kili was finally coming home and he couldn't wait. He hadn't slept a wink the night before, he had paced and laid awake just thinking about his little brother.

It had been two long months, hell even before that while they were there together they had hardly seen each other. It killed him to be away from him. They had a strong bond, something that even most siblings didn't understand. There was nothing in the universe that Fili wouldn't do for Kili, he'd look the Devil himself straight in the eye if he had to.

The emails from Kili had become less frequent and it had scared him, worried him so deeply. He still sent his own emails, still kept them light and cheery knowing his brother was drowning in misery over there. When the notice came that Kili was finally coming home, Fili nearly passed out. His head got so light and started spinning he had to brace himself on the desk as he read the notice over and over again to be sure it wasn't a hallucination.

He checked his phone again, looking at the time, he should be there any minute. He didn't do so well with waiting, it made him antsy. He glanced around his property. Their uncle Thorin had given it to him on his return home, it was hidden in the woods, a cabin he'd had for a while but never used anymore and Fili was grateful. He was glad for the quiet, the peace away from all the people and Thorin understood.

There was a creek behind the house and trees as far as he could see, no one to bother him, no one to set off his nerves. The stairs were difficult with his injury but he managed just fine. He also had the space for a dog, a huge dog that drooled everywhere. Fili smiled at the beast lounging in the doorway. He was sure Kili would fall in love with him instantly.

He heard the car before he saw it and his heart pounded like machine gun fire against his ribs. He tried to remember calming breathing exercises that he learned in therapy but it all seemed to fly out the window. Kili was so close. He gripped the railing of the stairs to keep from falling over, knuckles white with the force of his grip. So close.

So.

Fucking.

Close.

When the car came into view Fili bit his cheek to keep from crying. Tiny pin pricks in his eyes, he blinked them away, feeling foolish. But it was his brother, his baby brother coming home safe and in one piece. A few tears were allowed right? A few tears never hurt anyone.

He stepped off the stairs when the car came to a stop, the engine cutting off. Thorin stepped out of the drivers side, offering Fili a stiff nod in greeting. Fili ignored him, he wasn't trying to be rude, he loved his uncle but goddammit, where the hell was Kili?!

When the back door opened and Kili finally stepped out, it was like Heaven itself opened up. Kili's big brown eyes scanned around, taking in the new area, the same way Fili had done when he first came home. 

Fili stood still, despite how much he wanted to race over and grab him in his arms, he knew he needed to move at Kili's pace right now. When Kili finally spotted him, the younger man moved cautiously toward him, those big brown eyes looking up into his blue ones, as if asking permission.

Fili nodded, unsure of what he was supposed to do and Kili launched himself into his arms, chests slamming hard enough to knock the air out of both of them, but neither could care. Fili held him like it was the first time, and Kili clung to him like it was the last.

Fili tried to pull him closer, as if their heartbeats and breaths still created too much space between them. "I missed you, Ki."

Kili dug his blunt fingernails into Fili's back. "Missed you too."

His voice was harder, rougher from yelling, from breathing in dirt and gunpowder and everything else over there that stayed in your lungs. It didn't sound quite right but it was still Kili and Fili knew he'd get used to it in no time.

Thorin cleared his throat, standing behind them holding Kili's bags. "Where do you want these?"

Fili didn't want to let go, he wanted to keep holding his brother until the younger man felt ok again, but he knew he wasn't going anywhere and he could hold him again later. He squeezed him once more before hesitantly pulling away. Kili grabbed his bags from his uncle and moved behind Fili.

"Ok, well I'll be off. Call me once you're settled in. Let me know when you have therapy, I'll take you if...if you want."

Kili nodded silently, the idea obviously not sitting so well with him just yet. Fili understood, it took a while for him to warm up to the idea too.

"I'll call you later." The blond offered with a smile. "Thank you for picking him up for me."

Thorin nodded. "Of course. See you soon." He glanced once more at Kili before climbing in his car and driving off.

Fili smiled at his brother, his hand resting lightly on his shoulder. "Come on, let me show you your room."

He had sent pictures of Rufus but actually being near the dog was totally different, he was still only a puppy, just eight months, and was absolutely massive. He was lovely but he had a habit of jumping.

Fili went in first to hold onto Rufus and Kili smiled, letting the puppy sniff and lick.

"He's cute."

"He is, he keeps me company."

Once Fili was satisfied that the dog wouldn't tackle his brother to death every two seconds, he led him upstairs, slowly because of his leg, to the room he'd be staying in. It was right beside his.

Kili watched with sadness as his older brother rubbed at his thigh, a pinched expression on his face, obviously in pain still. He didn't comment on it, didn't want to make him feel worse about something he had no control over but god what he wouldn't give to take it all away.

Fili stepped out of the way so Kili could check out the room. He smiled while he watched his brother set his things on the bed.

"I thought you'd like this one, it's got the best view of the woods. Mine is right next to yours and the bathroom is right across the hall. It's not much but it's comfortable."

Kili smiled, small and reserved. "It's perfect. Thanks Fili."

"You don't have anything to thank me for." He shrugged. "If you don't want to be crushed by Rufus, keep your door shut, he likes to cuddle."

Kili nodded silently and Fili left him to get settled. Again, he didn't want to leave him but he didn't want to be weird and hover either, he knew Kili needed to settle and adjust to the new surroundings but Fili just wanted to be near him.

Fili went to the kitchen to distract himself with making dinner, he needed something to do, otherwise he was probably going to drive his brother crazy. He settled for spaghetti, it was Kili's favorite and it was simple to make, couldn't go wrong there. 

His leg ached, he could tell there was a storm rolling in. It always hurt, but it hurt more when bad weather was coming. He rubbed at it absently as he scanned through the pantry for everything he'd need. He smiled to himself, glad he'd be able to give Kili a good meal for once, not the shit they were forced to eat while they were deployed.

Rufus laid on the floor chewing a bone while he started cooking. It was easy, mindless, normal. A few snow flakes started falling and he watched them while the sauce started to heat up, he liked winter, he always had. He had fond memories of snowball fights with Kili and their mother making them hot chocolate afterward to warm them up.

"Need any help?"

He yelped and spun around quickly, his leg twisting awkwardly, causing a shooting pain through his thigh.

Kili reached for him, grabbing his shoulders to steady him. "Shit sorry Fili, didn't mean to sneak up on you."

Fili forced a smile despite the white hot pain. "It's ok, I'm fine. J-Just gotta get used to someone else being here is all. Maybe I'll make you wear a little bell."

Kili pulled out one of the chairs at the table and pushed Fili gently into it. "Want some ice or anything?"

"No, it's ok, really. I'll take my pills later and a shower, it'll be as good as new...well as good as it can be anyway."

"I can help with dinner..."

Fili smiled and nodded. "Stir the sauce."

Kili seemed happy to have something to do and Fili was glad to relax his leg for a moment. He didn't want to let his brother know how badly he had hurt it, didn't want him to blame himself. He'd be fine, he always was.

He finally joined his brother, helping with the salad and the noodles. Kili insisted on plating everything while Fili sat at the table. He grabbed them each a beer before he did though, knowing his brother could probably use a drink or a dozen.

Kili practically moaned around his first bite. "This is so good. You didn't have to do this though...you could have just ordered something."

Fili smiled. "You needed real food, Ki, I remember too well the shit we had to eat. I like cooking anyway, you know that."

He shrugged. "Still, you don't have to go out of your way for me."

There was something there, something under his words that Fili wanted to dig at, wanted to pull to the surface and examine under the harsh light of day, but he wouldn't. He'd leave it alone because he knew if he started poking around he ran the risk of breaking Kili to the point of no return and he just couldn't do that.

Fili washed their dishes when they were done while Kili took Rufus out to pee. He grabbed them each another beer and made them a comfortable spot on the couch. He kicked his leg up, propped on pillows and covered with a blanket.

Kili sat beside him and Rufus sat at their feet, snoring loudly almost as soon as he laid down. They watched a movie, neither really paying attention to it, both just happy to have the other there.

As the movie progressed, Kili rested his head on Fili's shoulder and Fili smiled, a pleased hum rumbling in his chest.

It quickly turned to concern when he felt tiny trembles coursing through Kili. "Are you alright? You're shaking. Are you cold?"

"Huh?"

"You're trembling." He sat up to look at his brother. "Are you alright?"

"Oh yeah, yeah I'm fine. Cold from going outside I guess."

Fili took the blanket off his leg and wrapped it around Kili's shoulder and pulled him closer to his side, his hand rubbing up and down his arm, trying to chase away the chill.

Kili sank against him, the familiar touch, the warmth offering a comfort he had been missing for so long. Even while they were deployed together, this wasn't something they had been able to do. Kili wouldn't admit out loud how many times he had dreamed of it, how many times he bit back tears wishing he could run to his brothers bed and have him hold him until the fear went away, until the screams in his mind quieted down.

Kili didn't pay attention to the movie, he couldn't remember a single thing that happened, especially not after Fili wrapped him in his arms, but his eyes were heavy by the time the credits were rolling. 

"You ready for bed?"

He nodded and yawned. "Yeah. Passing out sitting here."

Fili smiled and folded the blanket before setting it on the back of the couch. He checked the doors and windows twice, a nervous tick that Kili made a mental note of before the went up to the bedrooms.

"I need to take a shower, the storm coming in is fucking up my leg. I'm going to take my pills after that, they usually knock me out pretty quickly but if you need anything, you can come wake me up, ok?"

"Fili-"

"I mean it Ki, anything."

He shifted his feet but nodded. "Yeah, ok. Goodnight."

Fili made the water as hot as he could stand it, trying desperately to work the pain out of his leg, He knew it was pointless, but he had to do something. Some nights it was enough to have him biting into the pillow to keep from screaming, some nights it drove him to drink, he hoped it wouldn't push him to swallow a bullet...

He didn't like thinking like that, but he wasn't stupid. Fili knew people who lived with chronic pain, he knew people who had lost that fight as well. He didn't want to end up on that list, he didn't want to give up but he didn't want to be in constant agony either.

He shifted his focus to Kili instead, his baby brother just across the hall. He smiled to himself, so deliriously happy that he was there, he was actually there. He could still feel him resting against his shoulder, his weight, his warmth, god how Fili had missed that.

He shut the water off and wrapped a towel around his hips before quietly making his way across the hall. He paused at Kili's door but heard nothing, he hoped he had fallen asleep.

He put his pants on and took his pills and settled into bed, hoping for a peaceful sleep.

\--

Fili woke with a start at two in the morning. There were loud bangs and in his sleep haze he couldn't pinpoint them right away. Once his brain caught up, he realized it was coming from Kili's room. 

He jumped out of bed, his leg protesting and he knew he'd regret moving that quickly later but he didn't care.

He threw the door open, taking it all in. Kili was still in bed, covers tangled around his legs, trapping him, his back arched off the bed, arms flailing wildly, struggling against something Fili couldn't see, something Kili's brain conjured up.

He knew his brother was prone to nightmares, he had them even when they were children, anytime they watched a scary movie, anytime an older boy would scare him, Kili would have a nightmare. But this...this seemed so much worse. This seemed so real. Kili was fighting, Kili was struggling for his life, struggling to pull in a single breath.

Fili crossed the room in two strides, yanking the blankets off his brothers legs, he knew he could get hit but he didn't care, it was worth it to bring him out of where ever he was trapped.

He pulled Kili's arms down, pressing them to his sides, trying to avoid a punch. He pulled him to his chest, one hand holding the back of his head, the other sliding down his back.

"Kili." He tried, voice cracking.

Kili struggled, screaming louder, tears falling from his clenched eyes.

Fili pulled him closer. "Kili! Wake up!"

It wasn't working and Fili felt like crying, he didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to help him! He didn't know how to bring him back, how to protect him!

"God Kili please open your eyes! You're safe, you're with me, come on!" He pressed his lips to Kili's forehead. "Come back Ki."

He held him, pressing small kisses to his skin, whispering pleas, biting back his own tears until Kili finally opened his eyes.

"Fili?" His voice was so hoarse it broke Fili's heart further.

"Yeah, it's me, I'm right here."

"Fili where...where am I how-" The panic was setting in.

"Hey, Kili no look at me." He sat up so Kili could meet his eyes. "We're home, you're with me, we're safe."

"But-"

"No, I'm right here, if I'm here that means you're safe. Nothing gets to you if I'm here, you know that."

Kili didn't say anything for a while but he finally settled back down against Fili's side. Fili didn't let go of him, almost afraid that if he did, the younger man would shatter into a million pieces.

"Ki, why didn't you tell me about the nightmares?"

He shrugged. "It's no big deal, just is what it is. Didn't want to disappoint you."

"Why would that disappoint me?"

"Never been that strong."

Fili pulled him closer and kissed his forehead again. "That is not true at all. And I'm not disappointed. I wish you would have told me...but I get it."

He reached down and grabbed the blanket, pulling it back over Kili's shivering body. He tucked him in tight.

"Do you want me to go?"

Kili's eyes grew wide and filled with tears. "No! Please don't! Please Fili, stay with me!"

"Shh, hey, Kili look at me, you don't need to panic ok? I'll stay, you just need to ask." He smiled.

Kili lifted the blanket so Fili could move closer. The older man wrapped his arms around him, brushing his hair back.

"Sleep Ki, you're safe. I'll be right here."

"Promise?"

"Always."

\--  
They didn't talk about it the next morning. Fili didn't think it was right to bring it up and Kili didn't seem all that interested in talking about it.

The snow was falling harder and Fili's leg throbbed.

Fili's phone rang while they were having their breakfast, he wasn't surprised to see that it was Thorin.

"Hello."

"Hello Fili, how are you?"

"Fine. Yourself?"

"Just leaving for work. Is your brother awake? Is he willing to speak to me?"

Fili glanced across the table. "It's Thorin, do you want to talk to him?"

Kili shrugged and took the phone. "Hello?"

Fili didn't listen, he gave his brother privacy to speak to their uncle. He took his coffee outside, sipping it on the porch while he watched Rufus race through the snow.

He hoped Thorin wasn't pushing Kili to give information he wasn't ready to give or pushing him to agree to help he wasn't ready to accept yet. Fili understood that he needed help, but he also knew Kili needed to be ready for it first and Fili would be the first one to get it for him when the time was right.

He knew their uncle meant well but he wasn't the warmest person in the universe, he was sharp edges and things had to be done his way or no way at all. And that shit just wasn't going to fly...and Fili was more than ready to tell him that.

Fili jumped a little when the door opened. He forced a smile but it faltered when he saw the look on Kili's face, the conversation obviously didn't go well...

"Ok?"

Kili chewed on his bottom lip. "He's trying to force me to go to therapy."

Fili nodded. "You don't want to?"

"No."

"Ok." He sipped his coffee again. "Well if you change your mind, let me know."

"You think I'm fucked up?"

The hurt in his voice cut like a knife. "No, I go to therapy, it helps a lot. Most people can benefit from some form of it Ki."

"Y-you do?"

Fili smiled. "Yeah, it's good. It was a little weird at first but it has really helped. I won't push you to do it but if you want to, I will support you."

"I'll think about it..."

"Ok."

He dropped it, unwilling to push Kili any further than he was willing to go in that moment, if he was agreeing to think about it, that would be good enough for now. 

The cold was starting to wreck havoc on his leg so he went back inside trying to hide the level of pain from Kili, not wanting him to worry more than he already did.

"So what do you want to do?" Kili asked while falling back onto the couch.

Fili set up the cushions for his leg and sat carefully beside his brother. "Want me to kick your ass in Mario kart?"

Kili's brown eyes lit up. "You're on!"

It was easy during the day, normal. Fili wished it could always be like that, that his brothers eyes were always so bright and open, but he knew that once he went to bed, those memories came flooding back to the surface. His heart cracked further.

They played video games and watched movies for the rest of the day, leaning against each other, enjoying their time, the company of one another. They ate in peace. When it was time for bed, Fili saw the panic flicker through those brown eyes but he didn't comment and neither did Kili.

"Night." Kili shut the door before Fili could even say anything.

Fili didn't take his pills, he knew he'd regret it, he knew the pain would be horrible in the morning but he wanted to be lucid if Kili needed him.

 

\--

He woke up around midnight when the bathroom door slammed. He didn't fly out of bed right away, assuming Kili just needed to use the restroom, nothing out of the usual.

But when five minutes went by and the door didn't open again, Fili finally climbed up and went to check on him.

He knocked gently. "Ki?"

Only a tiny whimper responded. It sent chills down his spine, made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

"Ki, are you alright?" He pressed his ear to the door. "Kili if you don't answer me I am coming in there!"

Again he was met with silence and Fili tried the door, thankful it was unlocked. He pushed it open carefully, not wanting to hit Kili with it. He found him curled up on the floor beside the bathtub, his knees pulled up to his chest, his chin resting on them, big eyes full of tears.

Fili knelt beside him. "Kili are you hurt?"

He shook his head.

"What happened?"

He curled in closer to himself, trying to pull further away from Fili. 

"Please talk to me Kili."

He shut his eyes. "M-my bed."

Fili was confused but pushed himself to his feet and went to check Kili's bed. As soon as the light was on in the room he saw the wet spot. Even when he was a child, anytime Kili had a nightmare, he'd wet himself. Fili would always be the one to clean it so that their mother wouldn't spank the younger boy.

He yanked the sheets off the bed and threw them down the stairs so he could get them in the wash.

He went back to the bathroom, not surprised to find Kili in the same place. "It's ok Ki, I got the sheets off the bed. Take those pants off, I'll get you some dry ones. Want to take a bath?"

"I did bad..." His voice was so small...like a child.

Fili didn't quite understand but he wasn't going to ask. He moved closer, gently touching Kili's dark hair. "No, it was an accident. Hop up, we need to get these off so we can get you clean ok?"

He pulled Kili to his feet and helped him push the pj's and underwear down his slim hips. Fili kicked them into the hallway so he could add them to the wash with the blankets later. He pushed Kili to sit on the counter while he got the bath ready.

"Want bubbles?" He chanced. He knew a little about age regression but not a ton, he knew what he'd be looking into later. If it was what helped Kili, if it was what made him feel safe, he'd do it.

He nodded enthusiastically and Fili smiled, adding bubbles to the water. Once the tub was full, he helped Kili into it, leaning him back gently.

"I'll be right back ok? I need to go get the sheets in the wash and get you some new pants."

Kili bit his lip, eyes wide.

Fili kissed his forehead. "Two minutes. I'll leave the door open, you'll be able to hear me the whole time, I promise."

Fili moved as quickly as his leg would allow. He grabbed Kili a glass of water after tossing the bedding into the wash. He grabbed his softest pair of pants from his room for his brother, figuring he would appreciate the comfort in his current state.

HIs eyes were closed when Fili made it back to the bathroom. He laid the pants on the counter and sat on the edge of the tub, stretching his leg out.

"Feeling better, Ki?"

He nodded and ran his hand through the bubbles, a small smile pulling at the edge of his lips. He stopped quickly when he met Fili's blue eyes.

"What? What's wrong?"

"This. I-I'm not right."

Fili gripped Kili's chin, turning him until he would meet his eyes again. "Don't say that, don't ever say that Kili. There is nothing wrong with you at all. If this helps you, if this makes you feel better, how is that wrong?"

"You don't...you don't find it weird?"

Fili smiled softly. "I don't understand it fully, I will admit. I've heard about it a little bit, but no it does not bother me or weird me out."

Kili hesitated before nodding and lowering himself further into the bubbles. Fili smiled while he watched his brother relax, while he watched his walls finally start to come down.

 

Fili washed his hair for him, running his fingers through to gently ease out the tangles. Kili seemed to melt into the touch, tiny mewls of contentment rumbling in his chest.

"Feel good Ki?"

"Mhmm."

He rinsed his hair out, careful to not get anything in his eyes, needing this to be as enjoyable for Kili as possible.

Once his hair was clean and his fingers had gone wrinkly, Fili smiled. 

"Ready to get out and head back to bed?"

Kili made a face but nodded and let Fili help him out of the tub. The older brother dried him off quickly and slid the pants up over his narrow hips.

"Soft!" Kili smiled.

"My softest ones! I thought you'd like them." He poked the tip of Kili's nose and pulled him down the hall to his bedroom.

Kili fidgeted in the doorway.

"What's the matter?"

He glanced at the bed. "I-what if it happens again?"

Fili kissed his forehead. "Then I'll wash these too."

"But-"

"Kili, get in bed." His voice was firm. "You need to sleep."

"Can you sleep by the wall Fi? I can't..."

"Of course." He climbed into bed, holding the blanket up so that Kili could climb in beside him. He smiled when he finally settled in. He laid the covers gently over his shoulders.

"Comfy?"

He nodded. "Yes."

Fili was stiff, not sure how to lay, where to put arms, Kili pressed closer to him, seeking out the closeness. Fili wrapped his arm around his younger brothers middle.

"I-is this ok?"

"Yes, perfect Fili."

Fili relaxed a little after that, pulling him closer. He knew the things he felt were wrong but he couldn't help it. He had loved Kili for as long as he could remember. He never pushed, he never expected anything from Kili.

"Fili?"

"Hm?"

"You ok? You don't...I can move over..."

He squeezed him. "No you're fine where you are. Try to sleep now, little bird."

Kili smiled, Fili always called him a bird when they were kids. He snuggled closer to his brothers broad chest and closed his eyes.

\--

When the sun rose neither of them made any move to get out of bed, far too comfortable.

Kili was still settled against Fili's chest, neither separating during the night.

"You awake?" Fili kept his voice quiet in case Kili had drifted back to sleep.

"Yeah."

"How are you feeling?"

Kili shrugged. "Ok I guess."

Fili propped himself up on one elbow, looking down into Kili's eyes. "Please don't lie, if you're still feeling off, I'd like to know."

"I-" He struggled with himself, not wanting to be a burden but not wanting to lie to Fili either. 

Part of him longed to be cared for again, to feel small and safe. He felt like such a fucking freak.

"Ki?"

"I still feel a little off I guess..."

Fili nodded. "Ok, what do you need?"

"What?"

"Well I don't know much about what happened last night, the regression thing...so if you need anything in particular, you have to tell me."

"N-no I should be fine."

He smiled. "Ok. Move your legs. I have to let Rufus out and I can't climb over you."

Kili pulled his knees up, wincing at how hard it seemed to be for Fili to move this morning. He groaned when he put his weight on his leg, limping heavily to the door.

"You ok Fi?"

"Nothing to worry about, just a little stiff. I'll stretch it out while I make some breakfast. I'll bring it up here ok?"

Kili settled back into the bed, head resting on Fili's pillow, breathing his scent in deeply.

\--

Things had been going well for a month. Kili's nightmares seemed less, they fell into an easy routine. They were both happy.

As happy as they could be.

Kili was outside shoveling the driveway while Fili cooked dinner. Thorin and his fiance Bilbo were coming over. A feeling of dread had taken residence in his chest. He did his best to shake it off but he couldn't.

He nicked his hand with a knife when Kili opened the door.

 

"Ow fuck!"

Kili ran over, grabbing Fili's hand, pulling him over to the sink. He gently washed the wound, checking to be sure it wasn't deep enough to need stitches. He grabbed a bandage and wrapped it around Fili's sore finger.

"Better?"

"Stings but I'll live." He smiled.

Kili pressed kisses over the bandage, his eyes never leaving Fili's. "Now?"

He wasn't sure he could speak, hell he wasn't sure he could even breathe properly at this point. He simply nodded, heart leaping to his throat at Kili's blinding smile.

"Good! Need any help in here?"

They finished cooking together as the other two arrived. Fili squeezed Kili's shoulder before opening the door, stepping aside to make room for them to enter.

There was a thick awkward silence for a while and Fili watched Kili play with the end of his shirt, not sure what to do with his hands.

He cleared his throat and touched the small of Kili's back. "Let's head to the kitchen. Dinner just finished."

Thorin and Bilbo moved ahead and Fili leaned into Kili. "If you don't want to sit through this you don't have to."

"I have to-"

"I said you don't." Fili's voice was firm. "You can go back upstairs."

He nodded, melting under the intensity of Fili's gaze. "Just stay close to me."

"Always Ki."

They took their seats, Thorin's eyes watching their every move.

"So Kili, how are you adjusting?"

He cleared his throat, shifting his legs closer to Fili. "I-I'm doing ok."

"Ready to look for your own place?"

"What?" He squawked.

Fili squeezed Kili's knee under the table, trying to comfort both of them, the idea not sitting well with Fili either. 

Thorin shrugged. "I just assumed you'd both want your own space as soon as possible."

Kili looked over, panic clear in his big brown eyes. Fili just smiled, shaking his head slightly, keeping his hand on his knee.

"We have a routine, Kili can stay as long as he wants."

Thorin rolled his eyes. "You both need your own space, you can't live together forever."

"Why?"

He glared at Fili. "It's not healthy. You've always been so co-dependent on each other, especially him with you. He needs to grow up, move on, find a partner...normal."

Kili flinched. "I don't want-"

"Kili honestly-"

"Don't speak over him!" Fili boomed.

Thorin glared at his nephews and Bilbo took his hand, trying to calm him down.

Kili wrapped his fingers around Fili's hand under the table, his hand shaking. "I don't want that. I want to be with my brother. I feel ok here, safe, whole."

"And what happens when Fili meets someone hm? Where does that leave you?"

Truthfully he hadn't really considered that but the idea hurt more than he was willing to admit.

Fili shook his head. "We will cross that bridge if we come to it."

Thorin shook his head. "This isn't right."

Bilbo squeezed his hand again. "Thorin, this isn't our place, remember?"

The rest of the dinner was tense and Fili and Kili didn't let go of each others hands for the remainder.

Fili wanted them gone and he'd be fine with it if he didn't see them again for a long time. The pain in Kili's eyes was pissing him off and he wasn't sure how to make it better.

While Fili led his uncle and Bilbo to the door, Kili settled himself on the couch, curling up in a tight ball, the soft blanket pulled around him.

Fili composed himself after the goodbyes. He locked the door, and practiced his deep breathing before making his way over to Kili, not wanting to upset him further. 

"Hey Ki, how are you holding up?"

"Fi..."

His voice was small again and Fili just nodded and sat close beside him, pulling him into his side. He ran his fingers over his arm, smiling at the little shivers.

Kili lifted up, pressing a kiss to Fili's neck, chaste and sweet. Fili froze, tense and hot. Kili pulled back, eyes wide and cheeks flushed. 

"Fi I..." He bit his lip. "Was that-I shouldn't have I'm sorry."

He jumped up, racing up the stairs to his room, the door slamming behind him.   
Fili didn't see him for the rest of the night, his heart splintering as he went to bed.

\--

It was Rufus' barking that woke him up. Rufus never barked...ever.

His heart was pounding and he jumped out of bed, checking Kili's room first, he wasn't there the bed was cold. He checked the bathroom...empty.

The kitchen and living room came up the same way. His mind was racing and he was on the verge of passing out.

He noticed the front door was just slightly open. Through his panic he managed to get boots on and find a flash light. He ran through the snow as fast as useless leg would take him.

He cursed his injury! Kili could be hurt with precious seconds ticking by and he couldn't make it to him because of a fucking bullet he took to the leg months ago!

He followed the foot prints into the woods. "Kili!"

He felt the tears falling, burning streaks against his ice cold skin. God help him, where was his brother!

"Kili please!"

He listened to the silence desperately hoping to hear something, any noise, any whimper that would lead him to his Kili. He pushed further, harder, ignoring the agony in his thigh. His brother needed him, nothing was going to get in his way.

The wind picked up and he shivered, shielding his eyes from the sharp snowflakes that flew against his face.

"Kili answer me! Please little bird!"

When the wind died down for a second, he heard a near silent whimper from his right. He moved toward it, finding Kili behind a tree, curled around himself. He didn't have a jacket or blanket, he shook so hard his teeth clicked together.

"Fuck Kili!" He grabbed him, pulling him to his feet, yanking off his jacket and wrapping it around Kili's shaking shoulders. " Come on, god why are you out here?"

Fili's limp was far worse by the time he managed to pull Kili inside the house and he could feel the pain spreading further but he had to take care of his brother, he'd deal with himself later.

He stripped Kili out of his wet clothes, tossing them into the laundry room on his way by. He turned the shower on and pushed Kili under the warm stream of water, needing the chill out of his skin, needing the warmth and color to return.

Once Fili was satisfied that he was warm enough, he got him out, dried and dressed in record time. He didn't give him an option, he pulled him into his room. Fili climbed onto the bed first, back close to the wall like Kili preferred and pulled him down after. He held him close, tight.

"Ki...why? Why would you run?"

"I don't want to get in the way."

"What do you mean?"

"What Thorin said, you're going to want someone and then I'll be in the way, I'll ruin it!"

Fili broke at the absolute panic he heard in his brothers voice. " Hey, none of that is true, none of it, do you hear me?"

"Fili I'm so broken!" He sobbed, tears spilling down his flushed cheeks.

Fili pulled him into his chest, fingers trailing down his spine. "Shh little bird, you're not broken, you're perfect. I love you."

Kili clung tighter, holding on for dear life. "I love you Fi, please don't leave me."

"Never."

Kili tilted his face up, his lips brushing against Fili's shaking, unsure. "I-is this ok?"

And god help him, he nodded. "Yes, fuck Kili yes."

Kili pressed in harder and Fili gave him everything he asked for, everything he needed. It was gentle but heated, tongues meeting, teeth sinking into plush lips, hands roaming familiar skin, memorizing areas they never dreamed they'd be able to touch.

Fili trailed kissed down his jaw, his neck, bit into his collar bone, storing his moans in his mind deep in a place he knew he'd never forget. He watched his face, the way his eyes fluttered, the way his lips parted.

"You're so beautiful, Kili."

He blushed. "Fili, you're perfect I-I dreamed about this, about you like this so many times but I never thought I could have it, I never thought I could have you."

Fili kissed over his throat, gripping at his hips. "I felt the same way Ki, I didn't know how to say anything, I didn't want to scare you, I didn't want you to hate me."

"I could never hate you, Fili."

He kissed his lips again. "I was so scared I had lost you Kili, please don't ever do that to me again. It would kill me if anything happened to you."

"I'm sorry." Kili grasped at Fili, desperately trying to get him closer. "I won't run again. I was scared, I was scared you'd push me away."

They kissed and touched until they were too exhausted to move anymore and fell asleep wrapped up in each other.

\--

Searing white hot pain through his thigh made him bolt awake the following morning, just after the sun had risen. He bit his knuckles and squeezed his eyes shut, feeling tears spill down his cheeks as he fisted at the sheets around him.

He was pretty sure this was what dying felt like.

He loosened his had from the sheets and rubbed at his leg, the other still wedged between his teeth trying to muffle his pathetic cries.

He sniffled and whimpered and clamped his teeth down harder when Kili shifted beside him. He did *not* need to see this!

The edges of his vision started to blur, the muscles in his stomach clenched as he prayed to anyone listening to just make it stop. He'd do *anything* if the pain just fucking stopped!

"Fili?"

Kili's sleep filled voice broke the dam and Fili couldn't hold it back anymore. He cried. His fist fell from his teeth, gripping at his leg uselessly, and he cried.

"Fili! What's wrong?" Kili sat up quickly, reaching to turn on the small lamp beside the bed. He took in the placement of his brothers hands immediately and sighed. "Oh Fili..."

"Ki I-" He gasped, another wave of pain shooting through him. "Fuck!"

Kili brushed his brothers hair off of his face, strands sticking to the sweat beading on his forehead. "Shh, don't talk ok? Relax. I'm going to go get the bath ready for you, hot water should help at least a little, then you can take your pills, I don't care if they knock you out, I'm not having you in this much pain all day."

He wanted to protest, he didn't want to sleep all day but his brain was too hazy from the pain and he couldn't argue. Kili was already across the hall anyway, the bath running.

It felt like forever before Kili finally returned, eyes soft. "Wrap your arms around my shoulders and lean against me, I'll hold your weight."

Kili eased him off the bed, pulling his arms around him. Fili stumbled slightly before relaxing against Kili's side, hobbling across the hall. Getting his pants off and into the tub was a difficult task but they managed somehow.

He sank low into the steaming water, hissing as he stretched out his leg.

"Where do you keep your pills, Fili?"

"I don't want to sleep, Ki, I want to be awake with you."

"Fili you're in pain. You haven't been taking them have you?"

He bit his lip and shook his head, he couldn't lie to him, it's not like there was any sense now anyway.

"Why not?"

"I just wanted to be aware if you needed me." He shrugged. "I was doing ok. I hadn't been feeling too bad, I think running off into the snow fucked me up more than I realized."

Kili flinched. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He cupped his face in his hand. "It's ok, really. My pills are on my dresser."

He squeezed his shoulder and went to grab his medication. He filled a glass of water from the tap and helped Fili take the pills, trying to keep his movements to a minimum.

"Thank you." Fili smiled despite the pain still raging through him.

"Of course, you take care of me, why wouldn't I do the same for you?" He pressed a kiss to Fili's lips. "I'm going to go feed Rufus and let him out, want me to make you something to eat?"

He shook his head. "I'd probably just throw it up. I'll eat something later."

Kili made a distressed sound at that but nodded. He pressed a kiss to Fili's hair and left to take care of the dog.

Fili didn't like to be alone when he was hurting, it made the pain seem so much worse but he could hear Kili moving around and he knew that if he called out for him, he'd be there in a heartbeat. He shut his eyes and leaned back, waiting for the pills to kick in.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been in there but when he came to the water was cold and Kili was there supporting his neck, a small smile on his lips.

"Hey sweetheart, you need to get out of there before you freeze to death."

"How long have I been in here?"

"Little over an hour. You fell asleep, I kept an eye on you, but the water got cold. Come on, arms around my neck."

He did as Kili instructed and let his little brother dry him off, the act feeling oddly intimate in this position. He stepped carefully into pants and Kili helped him down the stairs after arguing that he'd rather Fili stayed in the bed instead. Fili told him he wanted to lay on the couch with him, promising he'd keep his leg propped up on pillows and he'd rest as much as he needed to so long as Kili stayed with him.

Kili set up the couch quickly, situating Fili's leg comfortably and covered him with the soft blanket. He turned the TV on, not caring what was playing on the screen and settled in beside his brother. He pulled Fili flush against his side, smiling at his warm weight, the feel of his chest rising and falling.

He carded his fingers through his hair, mindlessly braiding it. Fili hummed and settled in further, blue eyes falling shut, losing himself in the feel of Kili's fingers.

"Feels good Ki."

Kili smiled. "You always liked having your hair played with."

"Only when you did it. You never pull too hard."

Kili felt his heart race. "Only me?"

"Mm." He hummed in agreement. "Never let anyone else fuck with it, Ki, that's your job."

He bit his lip and kept braiding small braids through the soft blond hair under his fingers. "Go to sleep, I'll be here, I've got you."

\--  
He was in less pain when he woke up again and he could tell that something was cooking. He could faintly make out the clock on the TV and it read about seven. He groaned to himself, he really hadn't planned to sleep all damn day. 

He stood carefully, adding weight to his bad leg slowly as he made his way to find Kili in the kitchen. He smiled when he found him moving around, looking right at him.

"Need any help?"

He jumped. "Christ! I didn't realize you had gotten up. But no, It's just about done." He smiled. "Hows the leg doing?"

"As good as it's going to get." He smiled sadly. "Thank you again for taking care of everything..."

"Of course Fili, you don't have to thank me."

He ducked his head. "Well I'm going to. You deserve to be thanked and praised for the things you do, Kili. You're good, so good all the time, you know that don't you?"

Kili blushed and turned his attention back to the soup he was making. "I don't compare to you. You're like the sun. You light up everything, everyone's lives are better when you're in them."

He smiled and walked up behind the younger man, wrapping his arms around his waist and nuzzling at the back of his neck.

"It's not a competition you know. You're perfect, to me you're perfect, you're everything."

Kili shivered. "Fili..."

"Hm?" He smiled, kissing along his shoulder. "So beautiful."

If you keep that up I may accidentally burn the house down."

Fili grinned at the thicker tone his brothers voice had taken, enjoying the effect he seemed to be having on him. He nipped his shoulder once before backing away and grabbing the bowls from the cabinet.

They took their dinner to the couch, Kili telling him that he needed his leg to remain comfortable. They sat shoulder to shoulder, the TV still playing in the background as they ate. It was nice, comforting. Fili smiled to himself.

Kili sat his empty dish on the coffee table and laid his head on Fili's shoulder, before too long, he pressed kisses to the skin of his neck and up to his jaw, nipping lightly as he went. Fili leaned his head back, exposing more of his throat to Kili, wanting more, needing to feel him everywhere he could.

Kili took his bowl from his hands and sat it on the table beside his before straddling his lap. He kissed up to his lips, hands gripping Fili's broad shoulders to steady himself.

He tested the waters, rocking his hips down. Fili moaned and dug his fingers into Kili's thighs.  
Kili pulled Fili's lip between his teeth, rolling his hips again. "Good?"

"Fuck." He arched up into Kili. "Yes."

He grinned and moved again, adding pressure, kissing and biting, trying to find the places that made Fili tick. He seemed to really enjoy being bitten, especially the soft place between his neck and shoulder.

He head was tossed back, eyes closed and it stole Kili's breath away. "You're so fucking gorgeous."

"Kili please..."

"Please what?"

"I don't know I just-fuck just touch me- I need more."

Kili whimpered, not sure if he was dreaming. "More?"

Fili's eyes snapped open. "Only what you're comfortable with, I won't push I-"

"Want everything Fili, tell me to stop and I will but I want you, all of you..."

Fili lifted his hips, seeking friction again. "Upstairs, can't down here, not with my leg like this."

Kili slid off of him, grabbing his hand quickly. They moved slowly on the stairs, careful to not hurt Fili's leg further.

The reality seemed to hit the both of them when they were standing in front of the bed. Kili fiddled with his shirt and Fili drummed his fingers on his thigh.

"We don't have to keep going Ki, it's fine if you'd rather stop." He smiled, his fingers resting on Kili's wrist.

"I want to I've just never...with a guy..."

Fili's blue eyes widened. "Never?"

He shook his head, eyes cast down. "Didn't want any one but you."

He didn't think it was possible to get any harder but those words proved him wrong.

"Have you?"

"Only once, but I took him, no one has taken me Ki, that's for you."

Kili moved in front of him kissing him slowly, hands on his chest. Fili held him there, enjoying the unhurried movements, the way Kili felt in his space, pressed so close.

"Fi, take me please, I need you to do it."

He bit his cheek to stay composed. "You sure? Don't rush."

"I'm sure...if you are..."

Fili kissed him in response, he'd never been so positive about anything in his entire life. He pressed forward until Kili fell back onto the bed.

He supported his weight on his arms, moving his mouth to Kili's again, needing to taste him. He slid his hands up under his shirt, pushing until it was discarded and tossed somewhere across the room, until there was nothing left but beautiful skin to discover.

He trailed his fingers down, his lips following the path, savoring the flavor unique to Kili. He paused at the band of his pants, glancing up, silently asking permission.

Kili was watching with half closed eyes, he nodded, urging Fili forward.

He hooked his fingers in the waist band and pulled the soft fabric down. Kili lifted his hips until they were off and tossed to the floor.

Kili had no underwear on and Fili struggled to breathe. He sat back, admiring the man beneath him. His chest rising and falling rapidly, flushed.

"Fili?"

He smiled. "Just admiring."

He blushed deeper. "You should see from my point of view."

Fili bent and kissed over pronounced hip bones, Kili's sighs like music to his ears. His kisses trailed lower but he intentionally kept his attention away from his cock, wanting him begging and desperate.

He teased his fingers down his thighs, nails digging in just slightly, making Kili arch off the bed with a quiet moan.

His mouth moved back up, just barely brushing the sensitive tip of his cock.

"Fili please!"

He smirked and kissed down his length slowly, deliberately. Kili's hands gripped his hair, tugging, desperately trying to get Fili to give him more.

He licked from base to tip before engulfing him completely in the wet heat of his mouth. Kili arched hard and he had to grip his hips to keep him still.

He teased, licking and sucking the tip before plunging down, taking him all the way to the back of his throat.

"Jesus Christ!" Kili cried out, hands tangling deeper in Fili's hair.

He bobbed his head, swallowing around Kili's cock, enjoying the way he felt in his throat. He hummed and dug his nails into Kili's hips.

"You're so good Fili, holy fuck!"

He moved faster, driven by Kili's moans, the way his hips rolled and thrust up into his willing mouth.

"Fili please, you're going to make me come."

He pulled off with a smirk. "That's kinda the point, Ki."

Kili shook his head. "N-not like this, not this time. Want to with you in me."

The air felt like it had been punched out of him. "Fuck..you're sure?"

"Yes."

He leaned over and grabbed the lube from the drawer beside his bed, saved for lonely nights. He was thankful for it in that moment though.

He wet his fingers generously and kissed Kili as his first finger teased at the tight ring of muscles.

He pressed in just slightly, earning a hiss from Kili. "Relax baby."

He nodded with wide eyes. "Go slow..."

"Of course. we've got all the time in the world, I'll take care of you." He teased with just the tip of his finger for a while, letting Kili get used to the sensation. Once he felt like he could handle more, he pressed his finger in further.

Kili sighed this time, lips parted, silent pleas spilling out. He wanted more, needed everything.  
It was slow, Kili arched his hips desperate for more. "Fili, faster please!"

Fili did as he asked, thrusting faster and hooking his finger in such a way that had him bucking his hips obscenely in the air.

"Ready for more?"

"Please!"

Fili eased his second finger in, slow again, letting Kili adjust the same way he had done with the first. It took a little longer to get used to the stretch but Fili was patient, there was no rush.

He moved a little further, opening his fingers as he went, twisting and thrusting to open Kili, to get him ready. He was such a beautiful sight like that, panting and open, eyes shut, moaning and clutching at the sheets like he'd slip off the end of the world if he let go. It was damn near enough to make Fili lose control.

By the time his third finger was worked inside, Kili was writhing and moaning loudly, sweat covering his body as Fili continued working at a tortuously slow pace.

Kili decided he couldn't take it anymore. "Fili enough, I'm ready please!"

Fili swallowed hard and nodded, not trusting his voice. He used his free hand to lube his cock, moaning at the contact.

He removed his fingers carefully and Kili whimpered at the loss but bit his lip when he felt Fili line himself up with him

"Good?"

He nodded, hands gripping Fili's hips. "Y-yeah."

He eased in slow, giving Kili as much time as he needed until he was fully inside of him. He bit his lip trying to focus on anything other than how tight and good it felt, worried he'd be done way too soon.

He kissed him slow, easy. "Breathe Ki."

"Feels good, fuck didn't know it'd feel this good."

"Want me to move or need me to stay still a little longer?"

"Move, you can move."

He moved his hips back carefully, slowly at first, both of them gasping at the sensation. He kept his thrusts shallow at first, slow and steady until Kili was begging for more, clawing at his back.

When his thrusts became deeper, Kili cried out, yelling his name like it was the only word he could remember.

"Fuck Kili you're perfect."

"Harder Fili!"

He did as he was told, moved the way Kili needed him to, kissing him deeply as he did.

He wrapped his hand around Kili's cock jerking quickly in time with his thrusts.

"Fili!"

"It's ok, let go Kili, I've got you baby."

His hand moved faster and Kili cried out as he came hard over Fili's knuckles and their chests. A few more thrusts and Fili was following him, spilling inside Kili with a muffled cry against his shoulder.

Kili ran his fingers down his spine as they both came down from their orgasms.

"I love you Fili."

He kissed his neck. "I love you too Kili, more than anything."

\--

Months passed and things had fallen into a routine. Kili was in therapy, doing incredibly well and Fili was so proud of him.

Thorin would visit, keeping opinions to himself as he chatted about nothing important.

Kili was playing outside with Rufus and Fili watched from the window while he made dinner.  
He smiled, his chest warm and full. He never imagined he'd have so much in his life, so much good, so much love but he did.

Things weren't perfect, they had their struggles. But he had Kili and that was enough.

That would always be enough.


End file.
